The Ashes. It all starts tomorrow. So many questions. Who will get the heads up for the third bowling position for Australia? What's this new English opener like? How long can I sit through the channel 9 commentary before reaching for a razor blade? How many times will John Howard secretly wish the Poms give us a royal thrashing in each and every session? Why is an over in which there are no runs conceded called a "maiden"? Why haven't they changed it to a "chick" in order to keep up with modern trends? Why, then, isn't she wearing hipster jeans that have a waistband which falls around her thighs? Where are the ridiculously oversized sunglasses that actually make her look quite stupid? Shouldn't she have a "bad bitch" bumper sticker on her Hyundai Excel? And that techno blaring out of it with all the windows down makes you feel like you were in some shit nightclub that thought 80s remixes were warranted. Well, no, they are not. And any song by some guy called "DJ Utzi" is out too. That's right - this umpire's raised the finger on that one, and fined him 3/4 of his match fee. That way, he can't afford to buy anymore studio time and record that second song of his.
Love to all.
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